We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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