I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
