please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
