The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
