Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
