She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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