Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize