i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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