I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
