The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
