Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize