Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
