There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
