VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
