I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
