My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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