Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize