my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
