I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
