Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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