phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
