Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize