the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
