I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
