i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
