Even the bartender felt bad for me
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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