What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
