Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
