cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
