Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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