I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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