watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
