Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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