the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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