my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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