i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
