Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
