So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She's just so happy...and so naked.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
