if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
