member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
