The maid of honor just puked.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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