My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
