I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
