I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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