Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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