Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
