you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
