Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
