It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
