i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize