made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
