I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
