i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
