im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
