I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize