i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
