I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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