So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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