I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
