I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
