White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
