i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
