I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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