2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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