my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
